Above Forty Motherhood

If you haven’t had access to TV, radio, Internet, magazines, or newspapers over the last year, then you might not know that pop diva Mariah Carey gave birth to twins with hubby Nick Cannon – a boy Moroccan and girl Monroe -- at age 41 last April. (She turns 42 on March 27!) Despite facing fertility struggles, Carey denies she underwent in vitro fertilization and instead says she relied on acupuncture for help. These days, the couple is over the moon. “Parenthood is absolutely the most life changing experience we could ever have imagined,” the two posted on their web site last year.

After two failed marriages – one to pro baseball player David Justice and the other to musician David Justice – actress Halle Berry found love again, this time in late 2005 with model Gabriel Aubry and gave birth to the couple’s child, daughter Nahla, in March 2008, when Berry was 41. Sadly, the couple broke up two years later and has been became embroiled in a bitter custody dispute practically ever since. Despite claiming years ago she would never marry again, Berry announced her engagement to French actor Olivier Martinez just a few weeks ago. So will there be more babies on the horizon for Halle? After all, she’s only 45!

Salma Hayek waited until she was 40 to make two big life decisions pertaining to marriage and motherhood. In March 2007, the Mexican-born actress announced she was pregnant and engaged to French billionaire, Francois-Henri Pinault. That September, daughter Valentina Paloma was born. The new parents split 10 months later – but then reconciled and married on Valentine’s Day 2009.

After going through multiple rounds of in vitro fertilization, Helen Hunt gave birth to her first child, daughter Makena Lei, in May 2004, a month before the “Mad About You” actress turned 41. “Motherhood is totally thrilling and I love every minute of it,” Hunt, who’s been in a relationship with TV producer Matthew Carnahan for more than a decade, told The Daily Mail in 2008. “I think it’s partly having had a challenging time getting pregnant. Someone who went through in vitro said to me, ‘When other mothers run out of patience, you’ll have another two hours in your tank because you’re so grateful she’s here.’ And it’s true.”

Mariska Hargitay was 41 when she gave birth to her son August in June 2006. The “Law & Order: SVU” actress had to undergo an emergency c-section after she developed gestational diabetes in her third trimester after gaining 54 pounds. "I was overwhelmed by my lack of energy,” she told Self magazine in 2007. “All I could do to survive was to eat.” For their second and third children, Hargitay and her husband, Peter Hermann, adopted. In April 2001, they welcomed daughter Amaya and just six months later, a son, Andrew Nicolas.

When Marcia Cross met stockbroker Tom Mahoney in 2006, the race was on for the 44-year-old actress to start a family. Six months later, they married and immediately began in vitro fertilization. In February 2007, the “Desperate Housewives” actress gave birth to fraternal twin girls Eden and Savannah. Cross, who considered a surrogate, has been very open about the real struggle women in the 40s face when trying to get pregnant. “One's own eggs only last so long, and sometimes at 43 or 44 you can have your own baby, but statistically it's very difficult and expensive,” she has said. “You don't want to wait that long."

Giving birth for the first time at 48 nearly took Nancy Grace’s life. The HLN host delivered twins John David and Lucy Elizabeth in November 2007, two months before they were due, after she developed blood clots in her lungs that made it difficult to breathe. "I had to take a wheelchair back and forth to the studio," Grace, now 52, said at the time. "My legs were horribly swollen. I could not breathe. I didn't realize my body was filling up with fluid and I was developing blood clots to the lungs." After spending a few weeks in the hospital because they were so premature, the twins are now happy and healthy – and were often seen cheering on their mom when she competed on “Dancing With the Stars” last year.

“Flashdance” star Jennifer Beals may have gotten married to her second husband, Canadian entrepreneur Ken Dixon, when she was 34, but the actress waited until she was past the big 4-0 milestone to have her first child. Beals was 41 when she gave birth to a daughter in October 2005. She got some practice in beforehand, however, as stepmom to Dixon's two kids from a previous marriage. 

After three failed marriages, Geena Davis settled down with Iranian-American plastic surgeon Reza Jarrahy in 2001 and the two immediately started their family. The next year, then-46-year-old Davis gave birth to the couple’s first child, a daughter named Alizeh. Two years later, the “Stuart Little” actress did it again, this time with twins Kian and Kaiis when she was 48.

After numerous miscarriages, Emma Thompson finally made her baby dream a reality when, after undergoing in vitro fertilization, she conceived daughter Gaia, who was born in December 1999 when the British actress was 40. But giving the little girl a brother or sister proved impossible when another round of IVF failed. "I would have desperately liked to have had more children and it's been a great agony for me," Thompson has said. Not having more kids was so “depressing” to her partner Greg Wise, he sought therapy. “It's a brute, IVF,” he has said. “It depends on the age of the woman. Your eggs get old. I'm completely in love with the idea of fatherhood, but as for more children we'll have to see what happens. We're just very lucky to have Gaia."

After six years of dating, Al Pacino and Beverly D’Angelo became parents together in 2001 – even though he was 60 at the time. Thanks to in vitro fertilization, the “National Lampoon” actress, then 49, delivered twins Olivia and Anton that January. Within two years, the couple split and a bitter battle for custody began when D’Angelo wanted to raise the kids in Los Angeles, while Pacino is New York-based. The two settled a year later, although they wouldn’t say who won.

Jane Kaczmarek may be best known for being mom to a gaggle of rambunctious boys in the sitcom "Malcolm in the Middle," but in real life she didn't become a parent until the age of 41, when she gave birth to daughter Frances in 1997. She and now-ex-husband Bradley Whitford went on to have two more children, George, born when Kaczmarek was 44, and Mary, who the actress gave birth to at age 46.

Holly Hunter has been so mum on her twin sons – who she delivered in 2006 when she was 47 – she never even revealed their names. Some reports have claimed the boys, whose father is Hunter’s longtime boyfriend British actor Gordon MacDonald, are called Claude and Press, but the Oscar-winning actress has yet to confirm ... and we doubt she will.

A Writer's Story

I’ve always been a writer, always been a storyteller

Yahoo! India 

Meet Suleikha Snyder -  a multicultural romance  and erotica writer living in New York City. 

Born and brought up State-side by a close-knit, traditional Bengali family, she grew up learning Rabindra Sangeet, playing the harmonium and taking part in dance performances during festivals, but was also immersed pretty completely in American culture. So, hand in hand with speaking Hindi and Bengali and knowing how to make chicken curry, she also likes splashy action movies and argue about US politics.

Her debut e-novella Spice and Smoke is out in April, and can be considered to be one of the first romance novellas of its kind that comprise an all-desi cast.

What drew you to writing?

I’ve always been a writer, always been a storyteller. It’s something that’s been with me since childhood. If I didn’t write, I wouldn’t breathe. Basically, I picked up a pen at my annaprasan, and I’ve never looked back.

Who or what are your influences?

I draw my inspiration from all kinds of pop culture and literary sources. I was raised watching classic Hindi films and reading Indian mythology but also watching US soaps and reading romance novels. When you have that much vibrant, rich material being thrown your way, you can’t help but internalize some of it. And never underestimate the power of a good soundtrack! Sometimes I’ll just cue up some songs from Rock On or Om Shanti Om and go! 

Were your parents supportive of your decision?

My parents have always been supportive of my love of creative writing. Of course, navigating the stigma attached to writing romance is a tricky thing, doubly so within Indian-American culture. I’m bracing myself for some inevitable “Hai Bhagavan!” and “Chee!” reactions from the community at large!

Can you tell us about your upcoming book?

Spice and Smoke is a e-book novella about three couples on the set of a Bollywood period drama and the romantic entanglements they encounter. It’s completely fictitious, not based on any real personalities or pairings at all, but it does draw heavily from the real culture of the Hindi film industry. The twist? Four of the characters are gay men in varying stages of comfort with their orientation. In fact, one is married to a woman, and they have a rather liberal interpretation of their marriage vows. When Avi and Trishna come to the set of The Raj, their commitment to each other is tested by what their hearts really want. 

Most romances written by and for western audiences will have a half-Indian hero or heroine, but don’t go 100 percent. It’s my wish to change that status quo! Who says fully Indian characters can’t have the same experiences? Standard disclaimer here: It’s not a story for conservative readers, for anyone homophobic, because you will, more than likely, walk away scandalized and cursing my name! However, it’s my hope that the universality of love will conquer all, and that those who do readSpice and Smoke see that passion transcends sexual orientation, language, culture…everything.

Do you have a particular discipline when it comes to writing?

This is going to horrify writers the world over, but I have no discipline whatsoever when it comes to writing. I don’t sit down every day and bang out a certain amount of words. I don’t outline. I can really only write when I’m “in the zone,” when the words come completely on their own. And that can happen at any time, any place. I’ll frequently start scribbling on restaurant napkins or type up bits of story on the notepad function on my cell phone.

    

Was it a deliberate move to write about romance that are LGBT-centric, or was it incidental?

It was completely incidental! I actually had to laugh when I realized my first two published works featured LGBT pairings, because everything I’ve written since then features primarily heterosexual couples. I don’t set out to write a “gay story” or a “straight story.” I write about people falling in love.

What are the challenges of writing a book?  Is it easier or difficult to write erotica as compared to a regular romance novel?

I very much see myself as a “regular romance” writer. I don’t write erotica as some would define it, because it’s rather tame in comparison to what else is out there. What I do falls somewhere in between romance and erotic romance: There’s an emphasis on relationships and a happily ever after, as well as spicy sexual content. But because I’ve written multicultural romance with gay characters, it’s hard for people to figure out where to “shelve” me. Neither western romantic fiction, nor things like the fairly new Indian Mills & Boon line, have a specific category for what I’m doing. That is certainly a challenge! 

Is writing something sexy difficult? Is writing anything difficult? Of course! Particularly if you imagine a legion of desi aunties finding out what you’re doing!

If your book were to be made into a film, who would you want to essay your characters?

I don’t think they’d make Spice and Smoke into a film! Not without cutting out the love scenes! Can you imagine? Half of Bollywood would get blacklisted for starring in it, that’s for sure. 

Who are your favourite authors?

They run the spectrum, from Stephen King and JK Rowling to urban fantasy author Kelley Armstrong to historical romance writers like Liz Carlyle.  

    

What connects you to India?

Everything connects me to India. My face, my skin, my blood. I’ve never been disconnected from my roots. I have a wonderful extended family, I speak Bengali and Hindi, I know my Mahabharata and my Ramayana. India is in the air I breathe, in every step I take. It’s not an afterthought, or a distant shore.

    

What does India represent for you?

It’s where I came from! It’s my ancestral home.

    

The best and worst piece of advice you’ve received:

I think people have gotten used to not giving me advice, because they know I’ll forget to take it! But, years ago, a dear friend told me to “follow your bliss,” and it’s seldom steered me wrong. 

    

When not working, how do you unwind?

Curling up on the couch with a hot cup of coffee and watching television! I’m particularly obsessed with a Hindi serial called Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon? It is the best way to relax; it’s so well written and well acted and a great way to just fly away for a while to some place colorful and crazy!

    

What next?

I’m currently working on the sequel to Spice and Smoke. It’s a traditional contemporary romance with straight characters, though my guys from the first book do feature in supporting roles. It has intrigue, two love stories and all the standard romance novel tropes. I really want to create an expanded universe, where all these desi and non-desi characters can find love… and I don’t want to be boxed in as a writer who only does “this” or only writes “that.” I want to constantly test myself and push the boundaries. Indians, Indian-Americans… we have a place in every genre. Whether it’s romance, erotica, sci-fi or westerns. And I want to do it all!

Sharing the joys of pregnancy

Modern Etiquette: Sharing the joys of pregnancy

Reuters By Anna Post | Reuters

    * "I started off being a pretty strict mom but I find myself easing off, because now I'm not trying to figure Renee out; she tells me. She had a very strict itinerary because it was the only way to get her to understand discipline," says Sushmita.

From unsolicited baby bump touches to having your big news scooped on Facebook, modern pregnancy has an etiquette all its own. To keep the pregnant glow, consider the following:

There are few pieces of news as exciting to share as pregnancy. Whether it is a first or fifth, a surprise or long hoped for, it is joyful news.

The choice about who to tell and when will vary from family to family. Though some couples share the news as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed, it's smart to wait until the first trimester is well in hand. Most people tell immediate family first, followed by close friends.

If you're one of the first to know, this conversation may be accompanied by a request to hold the information close until the couple has the chance to tell others personally.

Some women will make an announcement at a family event to make sure their closest loved ones hear about it directly from them.

Facebook has added an extra twist: Until the couple is ready for anyone to know about a pregnancy, they might restrict their Facebook wall to prevent an over-eager well wisher from spilling the beans. Even if a Facebook wall is active, be sure the news is truly public knowledge before posting congratulations.

If you deduce someone is expecting, either from an extra glow or a declined glass of wine, show respect by allowing her to tell you in her own time. When she breaks the news, it's okay to share the insight you had then.

The Bump

Some women enjoy the occasional belly rub or pat from close friends and family and see it as part of sharing the joy of expecting a baby. Others don't. Never pat a pregnant woman's belly without first asking or being invited to do so.

If someone asks to pat your bump and you would rather they didn't, simply say so-it's not rude to tell them no.

"Thanks for asking, but I'd rather you not." If they reach out without asking, say, "I know it's tempting, but please don't touch." You can add action to words and step back, fold your hands over your belly, or reach out to gently stop their touch.

And almost all pregnant women agree that a belly pat from a complete stranger is entirely inappropriate. It's not okay to walk up to a non-pregnant stranger and touch their belly, and the same goes for a woman who is pregnant.

If you have this impulse, curb it, and instead smile and offer congratulations and ask when she is due-this is the right way to show your excitement over a stranger's pregnancy.

Not Pregnant?

Sometimes excitement is misplaced rather than mis-expressed. Be quite sure a woman is pregnant before assuming and asking when she is due. If she says, "I'm not pregnant," there is no graceful exit beyond, "I beg your pardon." Then drop the subject-there is nothing else that can be said to make it better.

Successful Seat Giving

It's a lovely gesture (and sometimes the law) to offer your seat on the bus or subway to someone in need. Yet this is a gesture that too often fails to happen for pregnant women.

Granted, some might be just fine standing. But others would appreciate the seat, and offering yours-whether you are a man or a woman-is the right thing to do.

Though many people will say yes when offered that chance, others want to say yes but don't want to inconvenience someone who was there first. No matter who you might be offering your seat to or why, the best way to get them to accept is to first stand up, then offer. It's much easier to accept an empty seat than a filled one.

And if no one offers but you need a seat, simply ask. "Pardon me, but would you mind letting me sit? I'd really appreciate it."

All but the lousiest of people will hop right up for a pregnant woman; and if they don't, you can be sure the person next to them will.

(Editing by Paul Casciato)

Severe pains

Severe head pain

This mother of all headaches makes your bachelorette party hangover seem laughable. If you could laugh. 

The culprit Odds are, any jackhammering in your brain is just a migraine. But if it's not accompanied by other migraine symptoms (such as a visual aura), sudden and severe pain--we're talking the absolute worst headache of your life--can signal a brain aneurysm. These arterial bulges occur in up to 5 percent of people, but most of the time they don't cause any trouble--you won't even know you have one unless the weak spot leaks or tears. If that happens, escaping blood can flood the surrounding tissue (causing a violent headache) and cut off the oxygen supply there. Smoking and having a family history of aneurysms increase your odds. 

The fix "A burst aneurysm can cause brain damage within minutes, so you need to call 911 immediately," says cardiologist Elsa-Grace Giardina, M.D., director of the Center for Women's Health at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital/Columbia University Medical Center. Your doctor will take a CT scan to look for bleeding in the space around the brain. If he finds hemorrhaging, you'll head into the OR pronto for surgery to repair the blood vessel.  

Throbbing tooth

Spooning your way through a pint of Chubby Hubby has become an exercise in torture. When your teeth touch anything frosty, you feel a dull throb or sharp twinge. 

The culprit It's likely that the tooth's nerve has become damaged, usually because the surrounding pearly white is cracked or rotting away. Unless you get it patched up quickly, bacteria in your mouth can infect the nerve. And you definitely don't want that breeding colony to spread throughout your body, says Kimberly Harms, D.D.S., a dentist outside St. Paul, Minnesota. 

The fix Time for a cavity check! You may just need a filling to cover the exposed nerve. But if it's infected, you're in for a root canal, in which the tooth's bacteria-laden pulp is removed and replaced with plastic caulking material. Antibiotics can clear up any infection that has spread beyond the mouth. 

Sharp pain in your side

A typical runner's side stitch pales in comparison to this piercing stab, which intensifies over a few hours or days. 

The culprits You may just need some Beano. But if you feel as if you're being skewered in your right side and you're also nauseated and running a fever, you could have appendicitis. It occurs when something (like a stray piece of feces) migrates into the space where the appendix empties into the colon, blocking it. Soon the organ becomes dangerously inflamed. Another possibility is an ovarian cyst. Typically these fluid-filled sacs are harmless and disappear on their own. But if one twists or ruptures, it can cause terrible pain. 

The fix In both cases, you're looking at emergency surgery. "If you don't remove an inflamed ap­pendix, it can burst," says Lin Chang, M.D., a gastroenterologist and codirector of UCLA's Center for Neurovisceral Scien­ces and Women's Health. This can cause dangerous swelling of the tissue surrounding your organs. A twisted cyst also needs to be removed right away, as it can block bloodflow to your ovary within hours. If that happens, the doctor will need to cut out the entire ovary (and the eggs inside) along with the cyst. 

Passing chest pain

Periodically, you get what feels like a bad case of heartburn, or a tight squeezing sensation, as if you're being laced into a corset. 

The culprit You probably just peppered your pizza with too many chilis. But if you know you're at risk for heart problems, don't blow it off--it could be a heart attack. Every year, about 10,000 women under 45 have one. Symptoms tend to be less severe in women than in men, so "you may just feel pressure, along with fatigue, throat pain, or shortness of breath," Giardina says. 

The fix Feel the burn after feasting on chalupas? Normal. Feel as if you're being squeezed to death by a boa constrictor after a hard workout? Not normal. In younger women, a heart attack usually happens when you're working up a sweat. If that's the case, dial 911. Your doc will do an EKG to determine whether your heart has been damaged, then decide on the best treatment, whether it's clot-attacking drugs or surgery to clear your arteries. 

Abdominal discomfort with gas or bloating

For the past month, you've felt gassy and bloated more days than not, and it takes fewer slices of pizza to fill you up than it used to. 

The culprit Who hasn't sometimes felt like an overinflated balloon--especially right before your period? But if it happens often and the problem is new, the worst-case scenario is ovarian cancer. In 2007 the Gynecologic Cancer Foundation released the first national consensus on early symptoms: They include bloating, pelvic or abdominal pain, and difficulty eating. If you start experiencing them almost daily for more than two or three weeks, raise a red flag. 

Ovarian cancer isn't as common as breast or lung cancer (about 1 in 70 women will get it during their lives), but your risk is higher if you have a family history of breast or ovarian cancer or if you've never been pregnant. 

The fix Book an appointment with your ob-gyn to talk about your symptoms. If she suspects cancer, she'll send you to a gynecologic oncologist for an ultrasound or a CT scan to check for a tumor. The good news: Five-year survival rates for ovarian cancer are 90 percent in women who are diagnosed early

Back pain with tingling toes

No amount of Advil or heating pads can ease this backache. Your feet may also feel numb. 

The culprit If you've just helped your cousin move into her new fourth-floor apartment, anti-­inflammatories should banish the pain. But if they don't work, hobble to an orthopedist. "You could have a disc (one of the spongy rings that cushions the bones in your spine) pressing on the spinal nerve," says Letha Griffin, M.D., an orthopedist and sports-­medicine specialist in Atlanta. Without proper attention, you risk permanent nerve damage. And it's hard to do the mambo if you can't feel your feet. 

The fix An X-ray or MRI can show whether a disc in your back has slipped or ruptured. As long as the numbness isn't getting worse, your doctor will probably prescribe physical therapy along with oral steroids or NSAIDs to reduce nerve inflammation. But if you're still laid up after a few months, you may need surgery to remove the disc. 

Leg pain with swelling

Your calf is extremely tender in one location, noticeably swollen, and red or warm to the touch. 

The culprit If one of your calves is on fire, you might have deep-vein thrombosis, or DVT, also known as a blood clot. Here's how it usually happens: A flight to Tokyo or a deadline at work keeps you glued to your chair for hours. Blood starts to pool in your lower body and forms a clot. When it gets big enough to act as a stopper in the vein or artery, the area around it will start to hurt and swell. Smokers and women who take the Pill have a higher risk of developing clots. 

The fix Resist the urge to massage the area or to walk it off. If the clot breaks free, it can travel through your veins up to your lungs and cut off your oxygen supply. Instead, see your doctor, who will do a CT scan or ultrasound to look for DVT. If you have a clot, you'll need to take blood thinners--sometimes for up to a year--to dissolve it, says Suzanne Steinbaum, M.D., director of women and heart disease at the Heart and Vascular Institute at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City. 

Kate Middleton's first public speech

We're quite fond of Kate Middleton's style, but we've rarely heard her speak in public. That all changed on Monday as the Duchess gave her first public speech as a member of the royal family. The occasion marked the official opening of the East Anglia Children's Hospice at The Treehouse in Ipswich, outside London. 

The Duchess, 30, wrote her own speech and opted to wear her mother Carole Middleton's royal blue Reiss dress for good luck. Carole originally wore the frock to Ascot in 2010, and her daughter has chosen to style it similarly with black pumps and the same black belt. While wearing her mother's fascinator would not have been appropriate attire for her speech, we have seen Catherine wear the very same hat to the wedding of Nicholas van Cutsem in 2011. 

Carole Middleton wore the same blue Reiss dress back in 2010 It's clear the Duchess has inherited her mother's sense of style, as the Reiss dress could easily have come from her own closet. Catherine has continued to turn to Reiss designs for big events such as her official engagement photos and when she met the Obamas at Buckingham Palace last May. We suspect blue may also be Catherine's favorite color, as she wore a royal blue Issa dress to her engagement announcement, a blue Zara dress the day after her wedding, and a blue lace Erdem dress during her visit to Canada. Perhaps she prefers the shade since it matches her stunning sapphire engagement ring that once belonged to the late Princess Diana. 

Catherine's thick accent is perhaps more surprising to viewers than her wardrobe choice. "I feel hugely honored to be here to see this wonderful center," she told the crowd at the Treehouse center. "I am only sorry that William can't be here today, he would love it here. A view of his, that I share, is that through teamwork, so much can be achieved. What you have all achieved is extraordinary." 

While the Duchess seemed a bit nervous giving her first speech, we feel her kind words and eloquent way of speaking were just right for the occasion, and she certainly looked lovely. 

Women would Work Even If They Don’t Have to

The Atlantic Monthly recently profiled a study called “Why Many Moms Work Even If They Don’t Have to”. There’s been a lot in the media recently about how moms who work part-time tend to be the happiest, more so than those who stay home or who work full-time outside the home.

The study, from the University of Louisville, found that:

“Most of the participants said they would work at least part time even if they didn’t have to. Both married and single mothers said they found more fulfillment and self-confidence in paid work than in parenting, and many believe that these personal benefits accrue to their children.”

First, I should state that the study was comprised of 40 working women so I’m not sure how meaningful these conclusions are.  But the main take-away, that most women would prefer to work part-time and would be happiest doing so, appears to be supported by other studies.

This topic is of particular interest to me because I recently made the decision to go back to work part-time and technically, I didn’t have to.  So I am one of the women that this study (and others) is speaking of. I chose to work part time for some pretty straight forward reasons. I wonder, lacking the specifics from this small study, if my reasons mirror those of other women who have made similar choices.

The economy sucks.

My husband is the primary bread winner in our family and his employment appears to be secure. I am confident that he could find another job that could pay our bills fairly quickly if he were laid off.  And so said the thousands and thousands of other people in my exact same situation, until they did lose that critical income and months went by without being able to find another job.  At this point, the idea of turning down paid work seems like a very bad idea.

I must be practical.

I am happily married and my spouse and I are both healthy. But the world is uncertain place. I sleep better knowing that I would be in a position to help support my family if something catastrophic were to happen to my husband, our marriage or his ability to continue to be the primary bread-winner.

Finding good part-time work is really, really hard.

The last time I looked for part-time work as a new mom and a professional with 10 years of experience under my belt, it took 11 months. And I ended up going back full time because the part time opportunities either didn’t pay enough to cover childcare, gas and parking or all the good slots seemed to be reserved for women who were looking to go part-time from their current full-time positions.

I respect employers immensely who are willing to work with families in that way, to accommodate parents by reducing their hours or sharing their positions, etc. But as a new employee – those opportunities are rare. So this time around, when a good part-time opportunity presented itself – I jumped, fully aware that another chance like this might never come.

My kids are getting older and I need to plan for when they’re in school full time.

Right now my youngest is 3. I know that very soon (sooner than I want) she will be a big kid and off to school full time. For our family, and many others, that year when your youngest child starts kindergarten also marks the time when you begin to play financial catch up. Whether it’s catching up on years of daycare (that is often as expensive as private school tuition) or making up for income that wasn’t earned while staying home with your kids, it’s a chance to start rebuilding your bank account and working towards being more financially stable.

I need it.

I have been primarily a stay at home mom for 7 of the last 9 years. For 2 of those years I worked full time. For another 2, I worked part-time. But my primary role has been to take care of my family. I had three kids in five years and I am so grateful that I have been able to be at home. That being said, it’s not an easy gig. I found myself socially isolated, chronically exhausted and approaching a state of depression. I needed to get out of the house.

The women interviewed in the study stated that their paid work made them feel more fulfilled. I think that’s valid, but it was not my experience. I felt better as a person when I did both, not because working was more fulfilling but because the confidence and intellectual engagement that working gave me carried over to how I parented.

Plus, working meant that I consistently got a few minutes by myself every week. And you know what? Ten minutes of peace and quiet twice a week is a very fulfilling experience, indeed.

Wife’s Breast Cancer Battle

 Wife’s Breast Cancer Battle

For photographer Bob Carey and his wife Linda, a man-sized pink tutu has taken on incredible meaning in their fight against breast cancer. The Tutu Project started in 2003 when Carey donated a picture of himself wearing a custom-made ballet skirt as part of a fund raiser for the Arizona Ballet. Soon after, Linda was diagnosed with breast cancer. "It wasn't about her when I started," Carey tells Shine. But when she was recovering from surgery, he found it was the one thing he could do to take break. "It takes a lot of love for him to put that tutu on," Linda tells Shine. "And it makes us laugh."

Using a tripod, Carey has now shot more than 110 images of himself in settings ranging from the desert in New Mexico to the Staten Island Ferry. He plans to compile them into a book called 'Ballerina' which will be published this fall. Currently, the project's website is selling individual prints and t-shirts to raise money to assist others suffering from the disease. The website has been up for a week (it launched March 12, 2012) and has raised about $8000 so far. 

"So many women need help," Linda tells Shine. The couple wants to aid women who need meals brought in or can't afford transportation to their chemotherapy sessions. The money would also help pay for alternative therapies such as acupuncture that aren't covered by most insurance.

Linda's cancer recurred in 2006. "But I'm feeling good," says Linda. I've been in chemo for five years and most days I'm okay." Since the beginning, she says she refused to be defined by her condition and told her oncologist, "I don't do statistics." Her husband adds, "She's kind of a rock star at the cancer center."

Surprising Health Benefits of Sex

Of course sex is healthy, but did you know that a good sex life can provide specific health benefits? We spoke to the experts to find out just how sex improves our health (not that you needed any convincing).

1. It May Make You Thinner

Dread working out? Don’t break up with your treadmill just yet. But if it’s late and you haven’t made it to the gym, don’t forget that sex counts as exercise, too! “Sex burns between 75 and 150 calories per half-hour,” says Desmond Ebanks, MD, founder and medical director of Alternity Healthcare in West Hartford, Connecticut. It’s comparable to other physical activities, he says, like yoga (114 calories per half-hour), dancing (129 calories per half-hour) or walking (153 calories per half-hour).

Bonus: Sex may also help your muscles stay lean in the process. “Sexual arousal and orgasm releases the hormone testosterone, which, among other things, is necessary to build and maintain bone and lean muscle tissue,” he adds.

2. It May Improve Your Heart Health

You’re probably already aware that heart disease is the number-one killer of women. Eating a healthy diet, and keeping your cholesterol low and sodium in check are great ways to stay on top of heart health, but so is having sex. “Sex is exercise that raises heart rate and blood flow,” says Dr. Ebanks. “In a study published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health, researchers found that having sex twice or more a week reduced the risk of fatal heart attack by half.” While the study results were focused on men, Dr. Ebanks suspects similar effects for women, too.

3. It Can Help You Get a Better Night’s Sleep

What do you do to help you sleep? When chamomile tea and other remedies aren’t doing the job, sex may help—especially if you’re having trouble sleeping due to anxiety or stress. “People having frequent sex often report that they handle stress better,” notes Dr. Ebanks. “The profound relaxation that typically follows orgasm for women and ejaculation or orgasm for men may be one of the few times people actually allow themselves to completely relax. Many indicate that they sleep more deeply and restfully after satisfying lovemaking.”

4. It Can Boost Your Immune System

With all the concerns about cold and flu viruses, combating germs can sometimes feel like a full-time job. Surprisingly, there may be something you can do in the bedroom to keep your immune system strong, says Dr. Ebanks, who points to a study by researchers at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania. “Individuals who have sex once or twice a week show 30 percent higher levels of an antibody called immunoglobulin A, which is known to boost the immune system,” he says. So, make this your new cold-and-flu season mantra: Wash your hands and make a bedroom date with your sweetie—often!

5. It Can Improve Your Mental Health 

The quickest way to boost your mood, fight depression and beat anxiety? Patricia Tan, MD, a board-certified internist in Arizona and medical expert for JustAnswer.com, says the answer is simple: sex (in a loving, committed relationship, of course). “Psychologically, sex improves one’s mental health by building intimacy and reducing stress,” she says. “The stress reduction component lowers a person's cortisol level, thereby reducing the chances of increased blood pressure, hyperglycemia and increased acidity in the abdomen.”

6. It Can Help Relieve Pain

You might change “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache” to “Yes, tonight, honey, I have a headache,” or so says Dr. Ebanks, who believes there’s a real correlation between sex and pain management. “Through sexual arousal and orgasm the hormone oxytocin is secreted in your body, which in turn causes the release of endorphins,” he explains. “Because of these natural opiates, sex acts as a powerful analgesic.”

7. It Can Help You with Bladder Control

It may sound weird—the idea that sex can help you minimize incontinence—but it’s true, say experts. Sex therapists have long recommended that women do Kegel exercises (flexing the muscles in your pelvic floor) throughout the day, but also during sex. Why? Not only can the exercises help increase pleasure, they also strengthen the muscles associated with incontinence. You can do Kegels anywhere (including during intercourse), so don’t be shy! Gently flex and tighten your pelvic floor muscles in the same way you would to stop the flow of urine. Hold for three seconds, then release.

8. It May Give You Healthier Skin

Could sex make you more beautiful? It sounds far-fetched, but Eric Braverman, MD, founder of PATH Medical Center in New York City, says having sex releases a key compound in the body that is good for all kinds of things—including improving your complexion. During sex, your body produces a hormone called DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone). “It can boost the immune system, give you healthier skin and even decrease depression,” he says. So much for the $79 night cream!

Secrets of Happy Couples

Loving couples: In a world where 40 percent of marriages end in divorce, you can't help but notice them. There they are, finishing each other's sentences or laughing in some dusky corner of a Chinese restaurant. They seem so wonderfully in sync, and they make the work of being a couple seem effortless. Of course, no intimate relationship ever is, especially once you factor in life's built-in pressures, like work deadlines, laundry and your daughter's orthodontist appointments.

But, says Jane Greer, Ph.D., Redbook Online's resident sex-and-relationships expert, there are certain core values that make some marriages more intimate and resilient than others. You could probably predict the list: trust, mutual respect, commitment and a strong sense of "we" in the relationship. What is surprising, experts point out, is that when you ask loving husbands and wives about the key to their devotion, over and over you'll hear the same things, specific habits that mirror these values. Learning these secrets can make your marriage closer too. 

1. They use terms of endearment

Sure, you may find it cloyingly sweet when you overhear other couples talking like 2-year-olds, but endearments are actually a sign of a healthy rapport.

"Pet names take you back either to the happy childhood you had or the one you wish you had," says Manhattan-based family therapist Carolyn Perla, Ph.D. "They signal a safe, supportive environment." Also, these days, when we're stretched to the limit trying to juggle jobs and kids, "pet names give us the chance to let down our guard, to be vulnerable and childlike. And they make us feel close to one another."

These same feelings of intimacy can also come from using a special tone of voice with each other, sharing silly "inside jokes," or pet-naming your spouse's intimate body parts. The point is to connect with some private message system that's meaningful to you alone, as a couple -- not to the outside world. "This type of playfulness is a statement that you're feeling comfortable with each other and with the relationship," says Dr. Perla.

2. They do stuff together

When that pheromone-crazy feeling of falling in love passes and happy couples no longer spend all day in bed, they look outward. They start businesses, refinish the attic or take up cooking together.

Of all the variables in a relationship -- from commitment to communication -- the amount of fun couples have together is the strongest factor in determining their overall marital happiness, according to a landmark study by Howard Markman, Ph.D., codirector of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver. Time spent playing together, says Dr. Markman, is an "investment in the relationship"; it provides a relaxed intimacy that strengthens the bond between two people. So even if your life is impossibly frantic, make the time for play. And do all you can to eliminate distractions. Leave the kids with a sitter, ditch the beeper and cell phone. The activity doesn't have to be anything elaborate or costly. Exercising together, browsing in antiques stores, or renting a classic movie can help bring the two of you closer.

3. When the going gets tough, they don't call Mom or Dad

The first task facing all young couples is separating from their families of origin, points out San Francisco-area-based family researcher Judith Wallerstein, Ph.D. This doesn't mean you shouldn't go home for the holidays. But if there's a crisis over whether to have a second child or relocate for a new job, or even if there's good news about a big raise or the results of a medical test, the couple should talk about it together first before dialing Mom. "You wouldn't believe how many people who are getting divorced say to me, 'She was never mine,' or 'His mother always came first,'" Dr. Wallerstein observes.

4. They stay connected to their parents

This doesn't contradict No. 3: You can talk with your mom every day and still be clear about where your attachment to her ends and your love for your mate begins.

"Staying connected to parents, siblings, cousins and the like can be excellent for a marriage because it gives a sense of family continuity," says Dr. Greer. "It generates positive feelings, especially when you incorporate your spouse into that family. You're sharing that part of you with each other."

5. They don't nickel-and-dime about chores

It's no secret that most wives continue to do more in the housekeeping and child-rearing departments than their husbands. Still, when partners become double-entry bookkeepers, adding up every dish washed and every diaper changed, they may be headed for trouble.

"Most couples think they should strive for a relationship that's 50-50," observes Dr. Perla, "but the fact is, they should each give 150 percent. In good relationships, couples give everything they can. They don't nickel-and-dime each other, and they respect that each person gives different things."

6. They fight constructively

There's fighting and then there's fighting. When couples start yelling and throwing things, when they dredge up every single complaint they've ever had (or "kitchen-sinking," as marital experts typically call it), you can be sure that they won't be celebrating their silver anniversary together. "Studies show that the way couples handle conflict is the most important factor in determining whether or not they stay together," observes Polly Young-Eisendrath, Ph.D., a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Vermont.

"Happy couples have learned the art of constructive arguing," says Dr. Markman, whose research has demonstrated that it's possible to predict whether or not a couple will divorce after watching them argue for 10 or 15 minutes. In strong marriages, he says, the partners take control of their disagreements by establishing ground rules. They may, for example, call a mutually agreed-upon time-out if the conflict is escalating and unproductive, agreeing to continue the discussion after a cooling-off period. They also truly listen to each other and won't prematurely try to solve the problem before they've heard each other out. Above all, no matter how angry they get, they don't resort to name-calling and insults -- key danger signs, says Dr. Markman.

7. They give each other gifts

Couples who are deeply connected often give each other presents or write little notes, says Thomas Moore, Ph.D., best-selling author of Care of the Soul. What they're doing is preserving the rituals, and the magic, of their courtship.

The gift should carry no strings. Sarah sometimes comes home from work to find that her husband has prepared a candlelight dinner. "But it's not set up to be a prelude to sex," Sarah says laughingly. "John does it because he wants me to feel loved."

8. They never lose their sense of humor

Humor, as many psychotherapists have observed, is the Krazy Glue that keeps a couple together. When a couple can no longer laugh together, Dr. Moore says, it's a signal that the soul has gone out of their marriage and they are headed for trouble.

But Dr. Moore is quick to point out that lighthearted couples never mock each other. They instinctively know what is -- and isn't -- fair game. "Sam would never dream of making fun of my big butt," notes Catherine.

9. They take "for better or for worse" seriously

Contented couples encounter their share of life's miseries -- whether it's the car breaking down, a nasty cold or a missed promotion -- but they help each other get through. You don't, for example, hear them say, "How could you let that happen?" when a spouse loses a job. "Couples who do well together tend not to do anything that increases their partner's suffering, like become resentful or criticize," notes Dr. Young-Eisendrath. In good marriages, people feel safe from the outside world. Each spouse, stresses Dr. Greer, has the feeling, "I can count on you, our world is all right."

Worst female health habits

10 health mistakes most women make

From workouts to healthy diets, many of us make an effort to look after ourselves. However, we could be compromising our health on a daily basis without even knowing it. From carrying heavy handbags to wearing crippling heels, here are the top 10 female habits you should try to break.

Wearing heels

More and more of us are opting to wear heels on a daily basis, and this could be bad news for our health. High heels affect our posture, put pressure on joints, and can lead to a range of conditions including arthritis, hammer toes, back pain and tendon injuries – and that’s before you take into account any heel-related accidents! To minimise damage, limit your heels to 1.5 inches for daily wear, and wear insoles to help reduce the pressure on joints.

Carrying a heavy handbag

With the rising number of gadgets and accessories the majority of women haul around, many of us are carrying around several pounds of weight on our shoulders every day. As a result, lots of us are also putting our long term health at risk. While you may not feel the effects right now, lugging around a heavy handbag can lead to serious back problems and neck pain as well as poor posture. Don’t wait until the damage is done – do your health a favour and try clearing out all non-essential items and switching to a smaller bag.

Sleeping in makeup

Most of us have succumbed to the temptation to sleep in our post-party makeup at some point. However, leaving makeup on overnight – along with the dirt and oil that naturally accumulates on skin throughout the day –is a quick route to clogged pores, congested skin and spots. Sleeping with mascara and eye makeup on can also affect your health by causing eye irritation, bloodshot eyes or even infection.

Matching men drink for drink

From networking drinks to first dates and social events, there are many instances when women may feel compelled to keep up with the drinking habits of the opposite sex. However, women not only tend to weigh less than men but they have less body water to dilute the alcohol, which means they tend to get more drunk more quickly. To minimise the risks of alcohol on your health, try to keep within the recommended guidelines for alcohol consumption and alternate alcohol with soft drinks.

Wearing the wrong bra size

It is thought that more than 70 per cent of women are wearing the wrong bra size. However, wearing a badly fitted bra can not only affect the look of your clothes, but research suggests it can cause a range of health problems including back, neck and breast pain, breathing difficulties, poor posture, skin irritation, circulation problems and even irritable bowel syndrome. Rather than guessing your size, make sure you get measured to ensure you are getting the support you need.

Worrying and harbouring regrets

Stress is damaging to both our physical and mental health, and women are twice as likely as men to suffer from stress-related disorders, as well as having higher rates of depression and anxiety. While it is thought there may be biological reasons for this, worrying about the future and dwelling on regrets can also add to our problems, with research suggesting that women are more than twice as likely as men to harbour regrets over lost loves and broken relationships.

Obsessing over appearance

While both genders suffer from body insecurity, many women tend to overly obsess over their idea of the “perfect” body. Research findings published in the journal Obstetrics & Gynecology found that 16 per cent of the normal or underweight women studied believed themselves to be overweight, while a study commissioned by Dove found that 90 per of women wanted to change at least one aspect of their appearance. Body insecurity not only affects our mental health, but it can also lead to physical damage caused by extreme diets, yo-yo dieting, eating disorders and cosmetic surgery.

Emotional eating

While comfort eating affects both genders, research has suggested that men are more likely to reinforce positive emotions with food, while women comfort eat when they’re sad. Women are also more likely to satisfy their cravings with sweet, high calorie foods. Rather than letting your waistline suffer next time you’re feeling blue, try distracting yourself from cravings by doing something you enjoy, or boost your endorphins and health with an uplifting workout.

Not getting enough sleep

Not only can lack of sleep make us look and feel at our worst, but insufficient shut-eye can also lead to increased accidents, calorie consumption and heart disease risk. Unluckily for women, statistics suggest that sleep problems affect more women than men, while a study by the University of Michigan found that women are more than twice as likely to give up sleep to care for others. Unfortunately, sleep has been found to affect women’s blood pressure and mood more than men’s, making it imperative that you do your best to get a good night’s sleep.

Putting themselves last

Not only are women more likely to compromise their sleeping habits to care for children and others, they are also prone to putting their own wants and needs at the bottom of a hectic to-do list of chores and obligations. To avoid running yourself into the ground, learn to sometimes say no to those requests and commitments that are less than essential, and make sure you set aside some “me” time each week to do something enjoyable just for you.