Your date is a player

Signs that your date is a player

By Debra Kent

Whether you’re interested in casual dating or a serious relationship, it helps to know what the person you’re interested in is expecting. We polled the relationship experts for clues that he or she has only one thing in mind (hint: it’s not a long-term relationship). Here are the top eight signals that someone’s only interested in a casual fling... or could be leading you on. Use this info to decide how you want to proceed: 

1. If the meet-up location this person chooses for your date makes you feel nervous, trust your instincts. Let’s face it: Some venues lend themselves to getting intimate, while others don’t. Are you meeting at the art museum or a nearby restaurant... or your date’s apartment? If someone invites you to come over to his/her place on your first date, you can probably guess what’s on the agenda that evening. So unless you’re looking for a casual fling, decline these types of offers. That said, “if someone calls you again, it’s a sign this person is not just trying to bed you,” says Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life. 

2. Pay attention to the kind of eye contact being exchanged throughout your date. Eye contact — or lack of it — can also signal your date’s intentions. Be wary if you notice that “instead of maintaining good eye contact across the table, this person is staring at your chest (women) or your other body parts (men),” notes relationship coach Toni Coleman, LCSW (www.consum-mate.com).

3. Read between the lines when reviewing this person’s Internet presence. Online dating profiles and relationship status details posted on social media sites can reveal much about a prospective date’s intentions, says Alyssa Wodtke, coauthor of Truth, Lies, and Online Dating: Secrets to Finding Romance on the Internet. Watch for wording like: “Looking for a good time.” “Just looking for friends.” “Bored and looking for fun.” “Want to keep things casual.” 

4. Beware of those who show too much interest in your physical appearance before agreeing to a date.Someone who’s looking for a fling will focus on getting an accurate physical description of you from whoever is playing matchmaker, for example. “This person may ask for a photo that shows your entire body, rather than being satisfied with a head shot or verbal description of your looks,” observes Maryann Karinch, coauthor of The Date Decoder: Military Intelligence Techniques to Expose What He’s Really Thinking. 

5. Let racy language register when someone you barely know uses it. This should go without saying, but for the sake of those rusty souls who haven’t had a good date yet (or maybe ever): Someone who talks dirty to you right away wants to move into the physical realm as soon as possible, whether it’s in emails, texts, IMs, on the phone, or face-to-face. “These types have nothing to lose!” says Karinch. You can respond in kind, of course, but think twice if you’re hoping for a serious relationship with this person. Also proceed with caution if your date is eager to share intimate details about past partners or obsesses on particular body parts, says relationship expert Dr. Nili Sachs (www.drnili.com). 

6. Identify “let’s hurry up” tactics that make your courtship feel rushed. Take note if your prospective date wants to move things quicker than you are comfortable with. A promising relationship often begins with phone calls, interactions via social media sites, and then — after you’ve learned a little (or even a lot) about each other — culminates in a series of real dates. “Someone who’s just interested in hooking up is probably not going to spend time getting to know you,” says Wodtke. “What does he care how many brothers and sisters you have or what your childhood was like if all he wants to do is get you into bed?” 

7. Take note if your crush prefers seeing you late at night. “The biggest sign that someone is trying to get you into the bedroom is that your plans usually begin after 9 p.m.,” says Puhn. 

8. Be wary of accepting last-minute plans with someone new. You know someone’s looking for a hook-up if that person calls or texts you at 8 p.m., says he/she’s in the area and wants to meet in an hour. If you’re relationship-minded, the only appropriate response, says Puhn, is: “Sorry, can’t make it. If you’d like to make plans in advance for another night, let me know.” 

The best way to find out whether someone is into you for more than just the short term? Insist on waiting before you get horizontal together, Puhn suggests. “If the person sticks around in the interim, there’s your answer.” 

Debra Kent is the author of the Diary of V book series.