Meet the new-age Indian woman. She's sexy as hell. She's smart. She pays her own bills. And she wants to have sex with you. Just sex, no strings attached. What's the catch? She's a friend. 'As long as she's not related to me, how does it matter?' you think. Because when it comes to sex and relationships, we end up colouring outside the lines anyway. So unfolds a new pact between Venus and Mars: Friends with Benefits.
It's not sleazy like a one-night stand, it's a mutual understanding between two pals of the opposite sex and definitely on the top ten list of ways to make life perfect, right after threesomes and stag nights.
The prerequisite of an Indian happily-ever-after is slowly being reduced to a fable and living together is now obsolete. This generation (yes, including women) now wants sex on tap, minus the frills. "Unfortunately for men, they're inadvertently tagged as the users, because women- thanks to their basic DNA- release chemicals during sex that want to make them feel loved and bonded," says Nandini Bhalla, editor, Cosmopolitan India.
They can stop worrying as women are getting into such relationships increasingly. "It's convenient, it's time-saving and it's fun," she says. "But just like every other relationship, you have to head into it well-prepared-don't expect to be let off scot-free."
Should you BWF?
Yes, if you're bored. You've been playing lap dog for more tears and less sex and even then it's the same monotonous missionary with the same girl. Your balls are tied up on a short leash while mini-skirted beauties pass you by. 'Nuff said.
Maybe, if you're drained out. After six years of investing everything he could in one woman, Gaurav Kapahi at 26, was chewed up and spit out for another man. "A year of sleeping only with beer bottles made me decide that the best way to get back into the game was not invest any emotion in the first place," he says. "There's enough time for me to get serious, but for now switching off my emotions works best."
You don't have the time. "I've seen my friends do crazy things: Wait for a girl for hours, buy stuff they couldn't afford only to end up crying-something I consider demeaning," says Ajoy Majumdar, 32. "I'd rather think of sex as recreation-like playing pool: That way my work's not affected, I get better at sex and I'm emotionally secure. Being wrapped around a well-manicured finger is nobody's style. Especially when you could put sparse time to more 'productive' use.
FWB works when...
You're in control. A rebound's aim is to distract. "If you're fresh out of a relationship, you're looking to numb yourself from the pain," says Indore-based sexologist Dr Mahesh Nawal, MBBS, ACST. "You shouldn't expect the same emotional security you once received. For that matter, you shouldn't have any expectations apart from great chemistry."
Your needs match. Joanna Grover, 21 was coerced into a relationship for six months by her ex, "because he'd convinced himself that sleeping together would give a shot at a relationship-but he forgot to ask me if I had the same feelings or not." A lot of women and men sleep with their friends in the hope that it will eventually lead to a relationship, says Bhalla.
A US study found that depressed single women were more likely to have more casual sex than happier singles. Depressed people, especially 'women seek out sexual intimacy to make themselves feel more secure,' says Sabura Allen, a clinical psychologist. Defining boundaries differ from situation to situation-some consider cuddling a bad sign, others push it to the ultimate limits.
You're both horny. Sex is no longer a dirty crime committed before marriage. When you need it, you need it. It doesn't justify paying for a hooker, which anyway ups your risk of STDs (you still have some self-respect.) "But if she's comfortable with you and vice versa," why shouldn't you give in to your bodily needs?" says Dr Nawal.
Practice safe sex-people assume that because this is their friend, they can trust that he or she will not have any disease and therefore may not feel as compelled to practice safe sex, says Justin Lehmiller, a US based psychologist. What's more 'friends with benefits' are 44 per cent more likely to be polygamous than people who first have sex as committed partners, he adds.
But beware!
You might get attached. The same US study reported that only 10 per cent of such relationships evolve into romantic ones and more than half developed feelings for their partners at some point in the relationship. And just so you know, it's not only the women. "It's not a free breakfast-ultimately, when your feelings are not reciprocated, the relationship turns sour and you run the risk of ruining a good friendship as well," says Bhalla.
You're wasting money. It's typically acceptable to go Dutch or take turns to pick dinner tabs when you're friends, but the minute you're in an FWB relationship, things change. Technically you're not dating, so should you be footing the bills for her maintenance?
"Chivalry's still not dead, so women would still expect you to pay most of the time, but stop to consider if you're paying for everything!" says Dr Samir Parikh, HOD, mental health and behavioural sciences, Max Healthcare, New Delhi. Hint: When she expects you to fuel her car up every time or get her salon bills.
You can't stay alone. "If you end up sleeping with the same friend between relationships, you're weakening yourself mentally," quips Dr Nawal. You don't have the propensity to survive on your own. "If she's still waiting for you, then she's clearly more emotionally involved, which is not something you want to face," he says. Nobody wants a whining Siamese twin in an emotionally detached relationship, after all. It'll kill the chemistry and show you as a desperate wannabe who's using her.
You're missing out. It's like being caught in limbo-both of you are elevated above the position of friends, yet you haven't gained the priority of that 'special someone'. "It's harder for Indian men and women to talk, meet and date strangers-our society just doesn't function as fast as the West," says Dr Nawal.
So when you've already found someone, you're cutting into your already limited chances of running into the perfect woman. And when either of you do, the other person loses a bit of that pedestal he or she's been placed on, making them resentful. "Everybody likes a fair amount of attention," says Dr Parikh. "When it's taken away or given to someone else, questions are bound to pop up and invariably you end up being the guilty party."
You have too many FWBs. You've leapt over the 'Friend' and are now on the fl ing side of the nonrelationship radar. "Occasionally it's is not a bad thing," says Dr Nawal. "But that depends on the mindset with which you get into flings with-after some time, sex isn't satiating because it is completely devoid of any emotion: You end up questioning yourself if you'll ever be able to commit to one single woman again."
Akshay Mittal, 24, has been having flings with several female friends for the past seven years. "I was in a relationship with a woman for three years and after we broke up, I didn't think I'd ever have the capacity to commit to anyone. I thought I was getting into the best deal, but now I feel hollow."
So, when should you call it quits?
When the dreaded question arises, "So, where are we?" And if you think, this doesn't happen in an FWB relationship, you're misinformed. "It'll either manifest itself in your head or be brought up by her eventually," says Bhalla. In a US study, more than half the respondents involved in FWB relationships indicated they were consistently asking themselves what kind of a relationship they were in, such as how to make sense of it.
Yet, 84 per cent of them didn't initiate any discussion because they felt awkward talking about it, or feared losing a friend, 73 per cent didn't talk about ground rules and only nine per cent could muster up the courage to bring up the topic as jokes.
"The topic can be mentally draining, especially when asked by the other party," says Dr Nawal. But if her questions aren't bothering you or messing with your erection: Congratulations pal. You're both well on your way into a relationship.
It's not sleazy like a one-night stand, it's a mutual understanding between two pals of the opposite sex and definitely on the top ten list of ways to make life perfect, right after threesomes and stag nights.
The prerequisite of an Indian happily-ever-after is slowly being reduced to a fable and living together is now obsolete. This generation (yes, including women) now wants sex on tap, minus the frills. "Unfortunately for men, they're inadvertently tagged as the users, because women- thanks to their basic DNA- release chemicals during sex that want to make them feel loved and bonded," says Nandini Bhalla, editor, Cosmopolitan India.
They can stop worrying as women are getting into such relationships increasingly. "It's convenient, it's time-saving and it's fun," she says. "But just like every other relationship, you have to head into it well-prepared-don't expect to be let off scot-free."
Should you BWF?
Yes, if you're bored. You've been playing lap dog for more tears and less sex and even then it's the same monotonous missionary with the same girl. Your balls are tied up on a short leash while mini-skirted beauties pass you by. 'Nuff said.
Maybe, if you're drained out. After six years of investing everything he could in one woman, Gaurav Kapahi at 26, was chewed up and spit out for another man. "A year of sleeping only with beer bottles made me decide that the best way to get back into the game was not invest any emotion in the first place," he says. "There's enough time for me to get serious, but for now switching off my emotions works best."
You don't have the time. "I've seen my friends do crazy things: Wait for a girl for hours, buy stuff they couldn't afford only to end up crying-something I consider demeaning," says Ajoy Majumdar, 32. "I'd rather think of sex as recreation-like playing pool: That way my work's not affected, I get better at sex and I'm emotionally secure. Being wrapped around a well-manicured finger is nobody's style. Especially when you could put sparse time to more 'productive' use.
FWB works when...
You're in control. A rebound's aim is to distract. "If you're fresh out of a relationship, you're looking to numb yourself from the pain," says Indore-based sexologist Dr Mahesh Nawal, MBBS, ACST. "You shouldn't expect the same emotional security you once received. For that matter, you shouldn't have any expectations apart from great chemistry."
Your needs match. Joanna Grover, 21 was coerced into a relationship for six months by her ex, "because he'd convinced himself that sleeping together would give a shot at a relationship-but he forgot to ask me if I had the same feelings or not." A lot of women and men sleep with their friends in the hope that it will eventually lead to a relationship, says Bhalla.
A US study found that depressed single women were more likely to have more casual sex than happier singles. Depressed people, especially 'women seek out sexual intimacy to make themselves feel more secure,' says Sabura Allen, a clinical psychologist. Defining boundaries differ from situation to situation-some consider cuddling a bad sign, others push it to the ultimate limits.
You're both horny. Sex is no longer a dirty crime committed before marriage. When you need it, you need it. It doesn't justify paying for a hooker, which anyway ups your risk of STDs (you still have some self-respect.) "But if she's comfortable with you and vice versa," why shouldn't you give in to your bodily needs?" says Dr Nawal.
Practice safe sex-people assume that because this is their friend, they can trust that he or she will not have any disease and therefore may not feel as compelled to practice safe sex, says Justin Lehmiller, a US based psychologist. What's more 'friends with benefits' are 44 per cent more likely to be polygamous than people who first have sex as committed partners, he adds.
But beware!
You might get attached. The same US study reported that only 10 per cent of such relationships evolve into romantic ones and more than half developed feelings for their partners at some point in the relationship. And just so you know, it's not only the women. "It's not a free breakfast-ultimately, when your feelings are not reciprocated, the relationship turns sour and you run the risk of ruining a good friendship as well," says Bhalla.
You're wasting money. It's typically acceptable to go Dutch or take turns to pick dinner tabs when you're friends, but the minute you're in an FWB relationship, things change. Technically you're not dating, so should you be footing the bills for her maintenance?
"Chivalry's still not dead, so women would still expect you to pay most of the time, but stop to consider if you're paying for everything!" says Dr Samir Parikh, HOD, mental health and behavioural sciences, Max Healthcare, New Delhi. Hint: When she expects you to fuel her car up every time or get her salon bills.
You can't stay alone. "If you end up sleeping with the same friend between relationships, you're weakening yourself mentally," quips Dr Nawal. You don't have the propensity to survive on your own. "If she's still waiting for you, then she's clearly more emotionally involved, which is not something you want to face," he says. Nobody wants a whining Siamese twin in an emotionally detached relationship, after all. It'll kill the chemistry and show you as a desperate wannabe who's using her.
You're missing out. It's like being caught in limbo-both of you are elevated above the position of friends, yet you haven't gained the priority of that 'special someone'. "It's harder for Indian men and women to talk, meet and date strangers-our society just doesn't function as fast as the West," says Dr Nawal.
So when you've already found someone, you're cutting into your already limited chances of running into the perfect woman. And when either of you do, the other person loses a bit of that pedestal he or she's been placed on, making them resentful. "Everybody likes a fair amount of attention," says Dr Parikh. "When it's taken away or given to someone else, questions are bound to pop up and invariably you end up being the guilty party."
You have too many FWBs. You've leapt over the 'Friend' and are now on the fl ing side of the nonrelationship radar. "Occasionally it's is not a bad thing," says Dr Nawal. "But that depends on the mindset with which you get into flings with-after some time, sex isn't satiating because it is completely devoid of any emotion: You end up questioning yourself if you'll ever be able to commit to one single woman again."
Akshay Mittal, 24, has been having flings with several female friends for the past seven years. "I was in a relationship with a woman for three years and after we broke up, I didn't think I'd ever have the capacity to commit to anyone. I thought I was getting into the best deal, but now I feel hollow."
So, when should you call it quits?
When the dreaded question arises, "So, where are we?" And if you think, this doesn't happen in an FWB relationship, you're misinformed. "It'll either manifest itself in your head or be brought up by her eventually," says Bhalla. In a US study, more than half the respondents involved in FWB relationships indicated they were consistently asking themselves what kind of a relationship they were in, such as how to make sense of it.
Yet, 84 per cent of them didn't initiate any discussion because they felt awkward talking about it, or feared losing a friend, 73 per cent didn't talk about ground rules and only nine per cent could muster up the courage to bring up the topic as jokes.
"The topic can be mentally draining, especially when asked by the other party," says Dr Nawal. But if her questions aren't bothering you or messing with your erection: Congratulations pal. You're both well on your way into a relationship.
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